Read Me First!

Reader Advisory
Some of these stories may contain mild profanity, poo humor,  sex talk, and general “TMI” (too much information). The names in these stories have been changed to protect the guilty.

Measuring Up

Last night, I did something today that I haven’t done in years.

I went to a large shopping mall.

As a child, I hated shopping malls because my mom and aunt would force me to sit around and do nothing as they picked through the 90% off rack for items not fit to be used as dish rags. As a teenager, I changed my tune – the mall was my sanctuary because it was the ONLY place Anyu allowed me to walk around freely with my friends. I spent a good part of middle school and high school at the mall arcade, movie theater, and comic book store – and it was great! Read the rest of this entry »

Cone Head Sundae

“I don’t love you anymore,” my boyfriend of two years said, as I put my spoon into the face of my Friendly’s Cone Head Sundae™.

This did not compute. Even Satan himself could not break up with his girlfriend while enjoying a Friendly’s Cone Head Sundae™, an innovating concoction where a scoop of ice cream was covered in a hot fudge-dipped sugar cone, given whipped topping hair, and an adorable Reese’s® Pieces® candy face©™®.

“I don’t understand. What did I do?”

Read the rest of this entry »

Quick Bite: Happy Friday the 13th

I’m not calling anyone out since I work with this person professionally…but…if you confess to this publicly, your sins might be forgiven.

At a meeting today…

Sales Guy: Hey, you should call your mom today and pretend you’re getting brutally murdered.


Sales Guy: Because of your American Goulash blog! She’s superstitious, right? So record yourself calling her and pretend something bad happened because of Friday the 13th, it would get lots of hits!

Me: You might be an excellent salesperson, but you’re a terrible person.

Sales Guy: Ha! I get that a lot, actually….

Thanks for the tip, but I don’t write this series to torture my mom. I write this because she tortures me.

The Sega Saga

As a kid, I was a video game junky with no access to video games. Even though I had developed some business savvy at a young age to fuel my once-a-week arcade experience, I was still too young and broke to afford a console gaming system, let alone the expensive games they required.

My friend Alia happened to have a Nintendo system AND a computer, but I was always forbidden from visiting friend’s houses (except for the occasional birthday) due to 1) germs, 2) potential loose parental supervision, and 3) the risk of dogs and cats. In an attempt to save me from my sheltered childhood, Alia tried to bring over her Nintendo, but none of the televisions in my house had proper inputs for a video game system. In those days, computers were also not portable, which meant no floppy disk/CD-ROM games, either.

The only solution to my video game conundrum was to play over the phone. As a team, Alia and I beat Maniac Mansion II: Day of the Tentacle, Roger Rabbit, Goonies, and Friday the 13th. To this day, I still haven’t had seen or played any of these games in “real life,” other than in my friend’s hilarious, potty-mouthed nostalgia game reviews. (Which, if you haven’t seen at this point, you need to right now: Angry Video Game Nerd.) Read the rest of this entry »


The first television I ever saw was the decrepit black and white Zenith we kept in the middle of the combination living room/bedroom that my grandmother and I shared growing up. It was the only television in the house, if you don’t count the other larger, broken television it was precariously perched on. The stupid thing had a sixteen inch screen, weighed sixteen tons, and had no remote control. Instead of buttons, it had two knobs: volume and channel. Anytime I wanted to change the channel, I had to use all of my might to pinch the knob with one hand while wrenching it with a pair of pliers. Somehow, my family was more afraid that my four-year-old self would catch a cold than stab myself in the head with pointy metal tools. Read the rest of this entry »