My family is pretty small, so they never want to prepare a full, traditional Thanksgiving. Instead, they prefer to go to the HomeGrown Buffet* (*name changed to protect the innocent), wait in the cold for 45 minutes to get a table, and feast amongst the other dregs of society.
Now before you crucify me, let me tell you that I typically like buffets. Sure, the food has been sitting out for a while and some little kid stuck his booger finger in the mac & cheese, but what the hell do you expect for $5.95 a head? But even with my general thriftiness, it somehow seems sacrilegious to go to a buffet on Thanksgiving (especially the HomeGrown Buffet, which is the “Motel 6 Express” equivalent of food service).
Years ago, I begged my mom to let me cook dinner and she got worried that I would burn the house down. Rather than argue, my cousin and I split the cost of one of those pre-made Thanksgiving dinners from the local grocery store. I was quite pleased with the relative ease and inexpensiveness of the meal, but my mother...
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If you go to any party store, you might notice that there isn't a heck of a lot of selection in terms of theme when it comes to Halloween costumes. Sexy Witch. Sexy Cheerleader. Even Sexy Nun! After my experience with the
Medusa costume, I told my mother that there would be no freaking way I would ever give her another "Sexy Halloween Picture", lest she post it on the church bulletin board or tattoo it on some part of her body. But of course, right after Halloween, mom gave me a call.
"You comink home for Thanksgivink? Make sure you brink some sexy pictures from Halloween. Unless you went as dat shark again..."
“It wasn’t a shark, it was a plane, remember? I went as 'Snakes on a Plane'."
“Oh, yeah, yeah, da airo-plane. Vell vhat did you go as this year?”
“I went as a banana.”
My mother was silent for a moment.
“How da hell did you make a banana costume?”
“I bought it at the store.”
“Did anyvon else go as...
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When I was 12 years old, one of my cousins did my hair and makeup for the 8th Grade Dance and for once, it looked pretty darned good (unlike
my Prom). To this day, my mother occasionally pulls out the 8th photo, sighs, and says, "You used to be so sexy."
It's amazing because most peoples' mothers would like to have photos of them in their graduation caps, prom dresses, or confirmation gowns. I'm quite certain that my mother would prefer a photo of me airbrushed, bikini-ed up, and straddled over some kinda sports car or bear skin rug. Let’s be realistic - since I have a respect for human life and the persistence of vision, I am going to abstain from any bikini-ing in the near future.
Well, one year during Halloween I was a poor college student and looking around for a costume. I happened to come across about 12 yards of free pink chiffon fabric in my Fashion Design class, so I somehow jerry rigged a toga out of it, pinned some snakes in my hair, did some crazy makeup, and went...
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My family is pretty small, so they never want to prepare a full, traditional Thanksgiving. Instead, they prefer to go to the HomeGrown Buffet* (*name changed to protect the innocent), wait in the cold for 45 minutes to get a table, and feast amongst the other dregs of society.
