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My Christmas Gifts

Each and every year, no matter how much I protest, my family always buys me clothing. I can’t tell you how many times I have received some kind of hideous knitted sweater that is 10 times the size of me with some kind of gold-foiled flower on the bosom. Since I am about a foot taller than anyone in my household, everyone thinks that makes me morbidly obese and buys me enormous clothing.

“Oh, Stephie, ve just got it a few sizes bigger in case you need to grow into it,” they always claim.

I’m 25. The only thing that’s growing is my hatred of knitted sweaters.

Growing up, Grandma always made me wear ugly sweaters no matter how huge or moth-ball-smelling they were. Of course, I had to wear them on top of itchy, probably expensive, imported, hand-embroidered Hungarian undershirts. To this day, she still comes up behind me, lifts my shirt, and screams, “A Vese! Ing! Ing!” (Her Kidneys! Undershirt! Undershirt!) She would always say, “You’re kidneys are exposed, you are going to catch your death!” Last time I checked, my kidneys were still inside of my body, especially since I don’t recall ever waking up in a bathtub full of ice.

One year, in an effort to protect my kidneys, Nagymama actually bought me a pair of flowery underwear that must have been size 87. These things were so freaking huge that I actually pulled them over my clothing and up past my chest. I started to strut around the house and sing Madonna songs as both of my cousins laughed hysterically.

Nagymama came over with a sober look on her face. She grabbed me by the arm, pulled me down and said, “Stephie…you’re supposed to wear dat UNDERNEATH your clothing.”

Thanks for the clarification, granny. And Merry Christmas, everyone! Protect your kidneys.

Photo by Michael Bretherton

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Comments (8)

WeezerDecember 26th, 2007 at 4:53 pm

LOL – Nagymama needs to get you some lottery tickets — as long as you promise her you’ll buy a bi-level house for the family if you win!!

Hope you’re enjoying the holidays at home with Anu & Nagymama

Lisa

CsillaDecember 26th, 2007 at 11:44 pm

Boldog Karácsonyt, Stephie!

EditDecember 27th, 2007 at 12:18 pm

Oh I love the “exposion of the kidney” story. I heard it for a while too, but I have to say that it does have some truth in it. Of course not when it’s warm, but in the winter it can be very unpleasant if your kidneys are exposed to cold. I have experienced it and it can be painful . However I love the stories, so keep writing them. Please! And Kellemes Karacsonyt!

NikkiDecember 27th, 2007 at 3:35 pm

Hey, I heard through the grapevine that you were doing some interesting stuff, but I had no idea you were putting P-way on the map! You go girl! Tell your grandmom I said, “Hi,” and be careful when she chases the cats around.  Nikki Richard *now Santos, I’m MARRIED, tee hee!*

VimineousDecember 29th, 2007 at 5:25 pm

OMG! Seriously I love reading these things to H2, we get such a kick out of these stories. I keep telling myself, “you can’t make this stuff up, its so oddly bizarre that it can only be true” After talking to you about some of these stories, I still wonder how you are so “well-adjusted”

I will do my best to protect my kidneys.

JoeDecember 29th, 2007 at 11:25 pm

Is your grandma single? I would totally marry her.

AnonymousJanuary 10th, 2008 at 1:53 am

there is some truth to that – you can get sick if your kidneys are exposed because it means some guy is stealing them and selling them on the black market, ha!