Phone call transcription:"Anyu, what do you want for your birthday?"'
"A man..."
"Walmart is fresh out of those, what else?"
"A nice rich husband to take me out dancing."
" Yes, that's located in the same isle as 'Man', and that isle is closed due to severe shortages...Seriously, mom, do you need anything?"
"I vant a paper shredder."
"Wait, didn't I already buy you a paper shredder a while ago?"
"I gave it avay."
"Well, if you didn't need it then, why do you need it now?"
"I don't vant anyvon to go through my trash and find my social security number."
"Then why did you give away your paper shredder?"
"I vanted to look good."
"...so you gave someone a USED paper shredder?"
"Yah, so I need another von."
"Are you going to keep it this time?"
"Yes. But your aunt might need it. And then you can just buy me anodder von next year."
"Well, why don't I just buy you TWO paper shredders so you can keep...
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When I was in college, my roommate offered me her usual Friday-night babysitting job because she has a hot date instead.
“No freaking way,” I said, “When my cousin had a baby, they had to sit me down on the couch and surround me with pillows so I wouldn't break it's neck with my man-hands.”
“This isn’t exactly an infant, she’s three-and-a-half. She's much less breakable.”
“But I don't know how to change a diaper!”
“Three year olds don’t always wear normal diapers, they have pullups. Man, you haven’t been around kids much, have you?”
"I was the baby of the family, so how the crap am I supposed to know this stuff?"
“Well. It pays $11/hr. And they have all the premium cable channels.”
I was normally paid $6 an hour to serve rich people ice cream in a store with no air conditioning or cable TV. The offer sounded tempting, but I was still a little concerned. Just as I started thinking about the horrifying legends of babysitters accidentally putting babies in the microwave, the phone rang.
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On April 5th this year, Nagymama turned 97-years-old. To celebrate such a momentous occasion, I decided to make a platter of ninety-seven of her favorite Snacky Cakes® for her to enjoy.
"You're freakin' crazy," my mom said over the phone. "Where you gonna get ninety-seven cakes?"
"Snacky Cakes®, mom, yah know, the Little Debbie kind that she pretends to bake for all the neighbors."
"You know, Nagymama, she just von't eat! Your aunt cooks her all dese nutritious foods, spinach, soft paprikas, everyting, and for some reason she just don't eat!"
"But she still eats cake, right?"
"Yes, vell, but she should eat more than just cake."
"Okay, then, I'll put some brownies in there, too."
Don't get me wrong, I am a big believer in health food, but once I am 97-years-old, I'm not going to eat spinach, either. If you make it past 90, you should be allowed to eat whatever the heck you want. If Nagymama asked to eat nothing but Cool Whip, chocolate sauce, and vodka off the tanned body of...
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Last weekend, I was suddenly inspired to start a garden, despite the fact that I have a million impending deadlines to deal with, a stack of receipts to calculate for my taxes, and an illogical fear of worms. I think part of the reason I was compelled to rip apart the weed-filled flowerbed is because for the first time in history, Nagymama is getting too old to upkeep her garden, and some sappy part of me wants to follow in her footsteps. I also convinced myself that I will save a ton of money on produce, which is probably a lie given the time and energy that gardening takes, but I figured I'd give it a shot.
I knew that if I was to start a garden, I would need tools, which were in the old shed filled with junk from the 85-year-old lady that formerly owned the property. So, on Saturday morning, I put on an old sweatshirt and my spelunking gear and entered the evil, dark, dank shed. I didn't have to clean very long before I came upon...
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No one ever calls my home phone number except for telemarketers and my mother. After listening to six "very urgent messages about your car's warranty," I finally heard a familiar voice:
Hallo, Stephanie....dis is your modder. Don't forget, today is April Fooled, so be careful nobody puts poison in your food.Wow. Next March 31st, I'll make sure to sleep with a gun in case someone tries to sneak into my kitchen and put poison in my cereal or worse... my GOULASH!
Did you play an April Fools' joke today? What was the worst April Fools' joke played on you? Or were YOU the one that played it?
Photo by Georgios M. W.
Phone call transcription:
