After I came out from the bathroom during my
family's weekend retreat, my family noticed that had changed into comfortable red fleece bug-eyed penguins pajamas with matching velvet penguin flipflops.
Anyu looked at me up and down and made the same face she always makes when she's disappointed. “Stephie...had yer boyfriend seen dose pee-zamas?”
“Yes, he’s seen them, he thinks they’re cute.”
She just shook her head.
“Stephie, with pee-zamas like dat, you’re never gonna get laid.”
The LBI Bible Conference has a package with a modest, but clean room that includes a set of bunk beds, two queen-sized beds, a small bathroom, and three-square meals a day for only $77/person for an entire weekend. That’s a pretty good deal, despite the fact that I always get a headache from spending 72-hours solid with my family.
We all got there late Friday night, so as soon as we walked into our assigned room, my cousin collapsed onto the nearest bed. She was exhausted from the nearly two-hour drive filled with criticizing, agonizing, and general
GPS worshipping. I decided I needed a break as well, so I threw my bag on one of the beds and fingered my pocket for my cell phone.
I looked over at my mother who was noisily rummaging through piles tinfoil-wrapped sandwiches. “Anyu, I’ll be right back.”
She furrowed her brow, “Vait, vait, vait, vhere are you goink?”
“I just want to call my boyfriend to let him know we got here okay, I’ll be right outside the door.”
“Nooooo! Somevon is going to steal you, Stephie!”
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Every year, my mother, cousins, and I spend Mother's Day weekend on the Jersey Shore, specifically LBI. Although LBI stands for “Long Beach Island”, I always call it “Large Bowel Irritation” because of the amount of stress and anxiety that goes into this vacation, especially the hour-and-a-half car ride from our home in Central Jersey.
"Okay," my aunt said, as we were leaving, "So vhen you get to dah main road on dah island-"
I interrupted. "Don't worry, I have a GPS."
"Vell, it gets very confusing, so you have to make sure to look at the John...Ron...Surf..."
"I'm bringing the GPS, don't worry."
"Yes, the...Don...Juan, um, you make a left at the...Ron Paul Surf Shop."
"It's
Ron Jon. And don't worry, I have a GLOBAL POSITIONING SYSTEM. So no matter where we are, we can find-"
"Yes, uh-huh, let me draw you a map."
After about thirty minutes of map-drawing, agonizing, and direction-correcting, we finally got to the car. I plugged the GPS in and waited for the stupid thing to find a satellite signal.
"Vhat is that, a rah-dio?" my mom asked. "Play some romantic music, none of this other crap you...
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One Sunday morning, our pastor has a special request after his sermon,“Would all the mothers in the church please stand up?” About half the congregation rose to their feet.
“In honor of this Mother’s Day, we would like to honor our special mothers! Let's give them a hand!”
My mother scowled during the applause. “See, you’d better appreciate me! Look how everyone else appreciates me! You never clap for me...”
I rolled my eyes; I never win these arguments. “Mom, I DO appreciate you, remember that time I...”
“
Shhh!" She
interrupted, "Be quiet, the pastor is talking!”
The pastor smiled upon the rows of women, all glowing in a maternal light. "Today, we would like to treat our oldest mother! Mothers under the age of forty, please sit down.”
My mother immediately sat, even though it was a complete lie. She gave me the killer, "Don't you dare say a word," stare.
He continued, “Any ladies under fifty, have a seat..." Fewer women remained standing. "Now anyone under sixty, please be seated.”
Nagymama sat down,...
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After I came out from the bathroom during my family's weekend retreat, my family noticed that had changed into comfortable red fleece bug-eyed penguins pajamas with matching velvet penguin flipflops.
