Archive for April, 2009
When I was a freshman in college, I received an angry phone call from my mother.
"Vhat's da hstory vit dis letter from dah school! You’re in big-big trouble!"
“What are you talking about? What letter?”
“Are you on drugs, Stephie? I saw dis special on 20/20 dat all dah college kids are doing dah Mary Hanna in dah voods!” she screamed. “You vouldn’t go into dah voods, vould you?”
(Editor’s note: Say that 10-times fast!)
“Anyu, it’s probably a mistake, Read me the letter.”
“'Dear Mrs. Yuh'-Ha, ‘Mrs’. Dey tink I’m still married to your asshole fodder.”
“Anyu, stop changing the subject.”
“Ok. ‘Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is….’ I can’t belief you are doink dis to me, Stephie, vhat are the people at church gonna tink?”
“MOM. You’re overreacting. Just read it out loud to me so I can see what happened.”
“Okay. 'Dear…Dear Mrs. Ok. So. Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is on dah Dean’s List.’ You see! He put you on his list! How can you DO this to me, Stephanie?”
“Wait…the Dean’s List? That’s a good thing.”
“Don’t lie to me! Dis vill go on your permanent record!”
“Hey, did...
Read the rest of this entry »
One morning in first grade, the principal made an important announcement. “There is a severe head lice epidemic,” he grumbled through the loudspeaker. “The nurse will call classrooms in one at a time tomorrow to check for head lice.”
Kelly, the pig-tailed girl that hated my guts from the moment she saw me in kindergarten, turned and gave me an evil smile, “Maybe when they’re checking for lice, the nurse will also see that Stephanie has the COOOTIES!” she snarled.
The entire class laughed. The teacher shushed everyone to listen to the rest of the morning announcements.
I looked over at my friend, Alia, who glanced at me sympathetically. Alia and I knew each other from our special ESL (English as a Second Language) classes. Kelly frequently picked on Alia as well for wearing a religious head covering to school, so we bonded through the shared torment.
“Alia,” I whispered. “Do you tink I have dah cooties?”
She shrugged, “I heard Jimmy B. got dah cooties so dey sent him away.”
“Do you know vhat cooties are?” I asked.
“I dunno,” she replied. “But dey sound yucky!”
Samantha, a girl that claimed to know everything about a whole lot...
Read the rest of this entry »
Growing up, bathing was always an issue. Nagymama felt that excessive baths led to:
-Red Hair
(which makes you look like a whore)
-All your hair falling out
(well, at least it won't be red anymore)
-Kidney infections
(resulting in death)
I was allowed to take a bath once a week, but showering was forbidden. Nagymama claimed that standing in shower would expose my organs and give me pneumonia. "Ve don't have insurance, so you'll die."
Once I became a teenager and aware of hygiene, this became a huge issue. I had to wait until Nagymama fell asleep and quietly wriggle out of bed, which was difficult since she tied the corner of the blanket to the mattress with shoelaces and surrounded the bed with high-backed chairs to prevent me from rolling out of bed
(see also: The Movie).
If Nagymama woke up and noticed I was missing, she would start screaming and banging on the bathroom door. I had about 2 minutes to finish the shower until she was able to pick the door lock, barge in, and physically pull me out of the shower, regardless of the fact that I was naked, soapy, and really pissed...
Read the rest of this entry »
Okay, like 25 people have asked me for the explosive red pepper soup recipe, so create this AT YOUR OWN RISK:
EXPLOSIVE RED PEPPER SOUP
2 med. onions, coarsely chopped
6 or 7 lg. red peppers, seeded and coarsely chopped
3 garlic cloves, coarsely chopped
1 tbsp. butter (Vegan: Use olive oil)
2/3 c. chicken or vegetable broth
Optional (if you like "spicy") Pinch of each: cayenne, crushed red pepper, cumin, paprika
Sour cream, (optional - I used non-fat, Greek-style yogurt - "Fage" is a popular brand) For vegans, add a little corn starch or a skinless, cooked potato to thicken.
Saute onions until quite soft but not brown. Add peppers, garlic, 1/2 of the broth and cook covered, stirring often, until peppers are soft (15 to 25 minutes). Add the rest of the broth and place into blender. Puree.
Serve hot or cold, stirring in additional broth or some yogurt to adjust thickness of the blend. The soup can be topped with sour cream and chopped chives. I like a little jalapeno topping as well.
If you are a moron like me, you can immediately pour it to a Thermos® Stainless Steel Vacuumware Bottle and
see what happens the next day.
PS: I took the thermos outside the...
Read the rest of this entry »
April 14th,2009
recipes | tags:
cooking,
easy,
few ingredients,
healthy,
low fat,
receipe,
recipes,
red pepper soup,
spicy,
vegan,
vegetarian,
vegitarian |
4 Comments
Listen to this story read outloud on WXPN.
I marvel at my Nagymama all the time. Although she is 98-years old, she has never ONCE in her life had surgery. As a child, I honestly don't remember her ever being sick. For goodness sake, she doesn't even have one stretch mark on her entire body!
When she was in her 80’s, she was mugged by some teenage hoodlum, and she actually managed to beat him down with her handbag
(read the story here)! Either she has really good genes, she is a freak of nature, or something she did over the last 98-years really stuck. As a part of this American Goulash series, I am going to try to explore what is it that Nagymama has done to live to such a ripe, fruitful age. I know it isn’t all the Snacky Cakes® she eats all the time!
A few years ago, a friend of mine wondered what ever happened to "Fit", the supposed natural fruit and vegetable wash that removes dirt, pesticides, salmonella, e-coli, and all that other yucky stuff from produce. I started to wonder just...
Read the rest of this entry »
