Mr. February
On the second day of Sexmas, I delivered to mommy….
Richard Gere with a Rose!
Part of the reason Anyu loves Roy Orbison’s song “Pretty Woman” is because of the movie that just-so-happens to go by the same title. I know the film annoys her a bit because “Crocodile-Mouth” is in it (that’s what she calls Julia Roberts), but she’ll put up with the toothy grin for a glimpse of Mr. Gere.
Sadly, my mother ONLY sees movies that have Richard Gere in them. I have tried to break her of this ritual, but I am unable to break her Richard Ritual.
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Classic Example:
Me: Hey, everyone wants to go see that movie “Up”, do you want to go see it?
Anyu: Is Richard Gere in it?
Me: No, it’s animated.
Anyu: So he’s playing a cartoon character? That’s veird.
Me: No, it’s a Pixar movie. They don’t tend to throw random unnecessary famous voice actors all over films the way Dreamworks does.
Anyu: You know, Stephie, I vish Richard Gere could just show up to dah door and visk me avay from dis all right now.
Me: Anyu, if Richard Gere showed up right now, he couldn’t make it to the door. He would probably get stopped by the kapu, where he’d have to scream your name for 45 minutes before you even noticed him. Then you and Nagymama would wander by the window and bicker over why there is a strange man outside. Then you’d probably call your sister to see what to do. Eventually, one of you three would call the police, but not before ripping apart the house to look for your phone book to find the number of the Piscataway Police Department instead of just simply calling 9-11. Once the police arrive, it would take another half hour for you to find the kapu key to let everyone in. At this point everyone will notice that Richard Gere has died of hypothermia and/or has chewed his own freaking arm off from some combination of hunger and impatience.
Anyu: Vhat dah heck are you talkink about, you veirdo?
Me: You use too many locks to allow Richard Gere inside the house.
Anyu: Ve need kapu locks because of YOU! Remember the time dat man came right up to dah front door and you just opened it vithout looking?
Me: I was SEVEN and that was the UPS guy! He had a CHRISTMAS PACKAGE!
Anyu: Yes. But it could have been a robber.
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Someday, I when I am filthy rich from selling copies of “American Goulash: The Novel”, I would like to hire Richard Gere to scale the kapu and bring my mother some flowers. After she’s done screaming and beating him over the head with a broom, I’m sure she’ll think it’s really sweet.
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Facebook comments:
Something is super-entertaining about a terrified Richard Gere, who’s been paid a million dollars and dropped off in North Jersey, approaching this decrepit shack with a handful of roses. In the distance, a wolf howls. He hears sounds of screaming in some unknown language from inside. As he cautiously approaches, he notices diapers hanging from the tree in the front lawn, cat food piled high, blocking all the windows.
Jump in here anytime, the rest of you…
A hooded huddled mass walks towards him slowly, muttering something ominous. It holds a brightly-colored elixir in a glass jar that bubbles and emits wisps of smoke. The figure pulls down its hood to reveal Nagymama, with a nice glass of piping hot orange juice for Richard Gere to enjoy. Richard emits a loud yelp and struggles to get away, but he falls on a pile of carpet squares that are inexplicably piled in the corner. Frightened, Nagymama drops the boiling orange juice on his face. The acid from the juice, combined with the heat, and his massive amounts of hairspray, cause some sort of chemical reaction….
(feel free to continue)
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