The 12 Days of Sexmas
Every time I visit my mother, I can’t help but notice the aging picture on her bedroom door of some random shirtless guy with a mullet. For some weird reason, she tore the photo out from one of those “Sexy Guy” Calendars and scotched taped it to her door, right next to where she used to hang my school report cards. I vaguely remember Anyu getting this calendar as a gift from someone when I was in grade school, so it has to be over 15 years old.
“Anyu, I think you need to update your calendar photo. Do you want me to take down Rico Suave over here?”
“NO, VAY! I like dat picture! You can’t get good sexy guy pictures like dis anymore.”
“What are you talking about? They have Sexy Guy Calendars EVERYWHERE around Christmas.”
“No no. All dah guys dese are covered dah oils and don’t gave a hair on their body. Dey look like GIRLS!”
“Oh, right, I forgot. You like the kind of guy that has chest hair you can braid.”
“Dat vas the style in my time. You know vhat, for Christmas, you find me a sexy new man.”
“Uh, are we still talkin’ calendar or are you talking about a real guy?”
“Either von vill do.”
I tried to find my mother this calendar, but nothing quite fits her very specific taste in men, so I’m going to MAKE her one! About half of the calendar will be the sexy guys she likes, and the other half is just going to be just plain funny to make her smile.
Please help me make this a very special Sexmas for my awesome and amusing Anyu! If you have any high-quality old calendars of folks like Young Sean Connery/Shirtless Richard Gear, photos sporting hilariously hairy dudes (or if you are one yourself), strike a pose and submit to shinygrape ((at)) shinygrape.com by 3 pm this Friday, December 11! Please, keep it PG-13, I am not interested in seeing anyone’s “junk” – this is for silly fun. Starting December 14, I will release a “Sexy Man” page from my mom’s custom calendar every day for 12 straight days.
(Wait? Does she mean “release a sexy man PICTURE every day” or “release an actual sexy new man every day”, like back into the wild from captivity??)
Well, I guess you won’t find out until the 14th. Merry Sexmas, everyone!
PS: For $19.99, I’ll customize it for your mom, too. You know she wants one.