Just Ignore the Penis
“I tink it’s a girl dis time,” my aunt, “Nagynéni”, said, closing one eye and framing my cousin’s pregnant belly with her finger like a movie director. Anyu, Nagynéni, my cousin Erin, and I were sitting in the living room, watching Erin’s two boys play with dozens of dinosaur toys.
“Yes, yes, that’s what your sister keeps saying, too,” Erin replied, only half paying attention as her youngest boy tried to reach for a large box of toys on a tall shelf.
“You’re carrying high. You’ll be surprised. It’ll be a girl,” said Anyu.
Erin rolled her eyes. “Yes, well, explain the penis in the sonogram then.” She stood up carefully, holding the precious cargo of her 9-month pregnant belly as she lifted herself from the couch.
“Eeeeeeeeeeh, dat doesn’t mean anyting,” Nagynéni said, waving her hand dismissively. “Ignore the penis. It could still turn into a girl, you know.”
“So, are you a little nervous about going in for the C-Section next week?” I asked to the back of Erin’s head as she walked towards her children.
“I really try not to think about it,” Erin said, effortlessly catching the box before her youngest dumped it all over the floor. She has an amazing way of spotting and avoiding disasters.
“I’m sorry to bring it up,” I said, “Mostly I was curious if it was better than going through actual labor.” Erin had the worst of both worlds with her first pregnancy. She was in painful labor for over 24-hours, only to find out that she had a tilted uterus, so she needed an emergency C-Section.
“No it’s fine,” she said as she slowly sank back into the puffy couch. “It’s definitely not better than natural delivery. After all, it is major surgery. And the recovery is-”
“You know, vhen I gave birth, I did it totally naturally,” Nagynéni interrupted. “And den dis nurse valked in and said, ‘Oh, no, YOU didn’t just have a baby…’”
“Yes, mom, we’ve heard this story ten thousand times. You gave birth and then the nurse thought you looked like a sex bombshell or something. ANYWAY. So, Steph, when you first get there, they strap you in and-”
Nagynéni continued, “My stomach vas completely flat! Like notting happened! And nobody vould belief me dat I just had a baby…” She smiled to herself fondly, remembering the birthing.
Erin ignored her. “So, after the epidural, all the doctors and nurses say, ‘Just relax,’ but it’s tough to relax when dozens of people are buzzing around you, and you’re half naked and unable to move. You just feel so vulnerable. But in the end, it’s worth it because you’re bringing this wonderful little-”
Nagynéni frowned, “You know, I heard dis voman, vhen dey cut her open, dey didn’t stitch her back together right and she got dis infection…”
“That’s a terrible thing to say to a pregnant woman!” I said.
She ignored by remark, continuing her rant, “She taught everytink vas okay, and then she lifted her shirt and dere vas all this pus…”
“Yeah, vhat’s gonna happen if you die?” Anyu said, suddenly alarmed. “I mean, vhat are we going to do with all your kids?”
“Um, I have a husband, you know,” Erin said, obviously offended by many implications.
Anyu shook her head furiously. “I don’t vant nobody dumping no kids on me! No siree!”
“You know, I’m the one that’s NINE MONTHS pregnant over here! Why does everything end up turning into something about you?”
“I vas never meant to be a modder,”Anyu said, looking off into the distance and frowning.
“Gee, thanks.” I sighed and tried not to be offended.
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Oh my god, Steph ^ o ^. I thought MY family was all psichotic… But your family stories always sound funny and heartwarming. Thanks for making me smile ^__^.
I found this website through a Youtube message and I’m glad I followed it.
My mother used to describe her C-section in graphic detail. On my birthday, when I was 7. And we were eating strawberry shortcake. And every year after that.