Campy Weekend
Like every other year, I went to Long Beach Island to “Bible Camp” with my family for Mother’s Day weekend. (Read horrible-but-hilarious past Bible Camp stories here).
The struggle with Bible Camp never revolves around the actual Camp itself, which is a well-maintained old hotel with a clean beach and little harbor.
The problem is always the BEHAVIOR of just a few of my family members, who go out of their way to act outlandish in this fairly conservative and relaxed setting. I think that if it weren’t for the polite nature of our fellow campers, my brood would have been kicked out long ago.
For those of you not on the American Goulash Twitter or Facebook, here are some of the Top Live-Tweets from the weekend, mostly by my hilarious & fabulous mother, Anyu:
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“Good ting you’re unemployed so you could go on vacation today.”
Me: “I worked today! I run my own business.”
::scoffs:: “Dat’s not a REAL job.”
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(about three hours into the vacation:)
Me: I’ve decided that it’s OK to tweet from the toilet if you’re not actually going to the bathroom. You see, I’m hiding…
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“Look, Stephie! Dey peeled all of dese hardboiled eggs for us!” ::frowns:: “You tink dey vashed dere hands first? Maybe dah eggs are tampered?”
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(to my 7-year old nephew) “Look, it’s a beach vedding!”
::7 yr old nephew notices, runs full-speed towards bride::
Me: Um, should we…stop him?
“Eh. Vhatever.”
(to be continued as a full short story)
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“Stephie, I vish you vould eat more meat. No meat, no blood. That’d vhy you’re a paleface.”
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Anyu used my iPhone.
“My rotary phone is more comfortable than this square ting.”
No kidding, my iPhone no longer lights up. I guess she turned it analog.
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“I can’t believe you’re 29 already. Vhen I vas your age, I was pregnant vith you.::sigh:: It’s a terrible idea, don’t try it.”
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::Anyu made a Godzilla noise.::
“Is she ok?” asked a stranger.
“Yes,” I replied. “That’s just how she clears her throat.”
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“Don’t stand so close to dat vending machine. It vill fall & crush you, and I only have von child.”
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“Don’t drown in dah hot tub.”
“Ok, Anyu.”
“And if dere are any teen boys in dere, make sure you get out quick because of pregnancy.”
(To be continued, as a full short story)
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“Stephie, vhat is the purpose of technology?”
“Are you asking about a specific type of technology or is this a philosophy question?”
(To be continued, as a full short story)
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Me: “Ah! Pee with the door closed! You’re scarring the children!
Anyu: “Eh, dey von’t remember.”
Me: “You do this every year! How can we forget?”
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My mother is currently sitting with gloves going through all of our trash to make sure we didn’t throw out anything that identifies “who we are”.
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RE: Mother’s Day Gifts
“Dis chocolate is just going to make me fat, I’m going to give it to dah kids. Dis isn’t sexy, you look like a wacko in dis picture. Don’t make faces, you’ll break your skin. Oh, wine? Tank you! Do you have an opener?”
“It’s 10 am, Anyu.”
“So vhat? It’s Paradise somevhere.”
“Sorry to inform you, this isn’t Paradise. It’s New Jersey.”
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“Vhy vas dah CVS guy talking to you so long?”
“He wanted to go on a date.”
“Vith YOU? You don’t even vear no dress and no makeup. He’s crazy.”
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What did I do for Mother’s Day? I accidentally sat in my mother’s urine. I’m dead serious.
