No More God Damns

I recently finished the rough draft of a manuscript for an “American Goulash” book. I mentioned it on Facebook because I was excited to be in the very beginning stages of the loooooong road of publishing, when I received a phone call.

Here is the transcription:

“Hello, my name in [Censored]. I’ve been reading your American Goulash story series online and I am impressed. [So & So] told me you were finished with a manuscript, and I am interested in potentially representing you.”

Boy. Word travels fast on social media.

My heart started to race. “Well, I uh, ehhhh…I’m flattered. I am only in the first draft stages but-”

“Okay, good. Then I can talk to you about some of the topics. I LOVE the silly little things about your grandmama fighting robbers, but I cannot represent anything inappropriate like sex or getting your period.”

“Uh-”

“I am very interested in your stories about Bible camp. Could you focus more on the spirituality aspect of going to Bible Camp and how it affected your relationship with God?”

“Uh, well…I’m not sure how much you read, but the series is about the relationship between a European family with old world values and an artsy-fartsy modern American girl. I will gladly hear editorial notes, but in terms of censorship, I do not find topics like getting your period to be ‘inappropriate’. These are things I wish I knew about when I was younger and-”

“Well, okay, maybe THAT topic is okay, but something like..what is your latest post? About receiving pornographic magazines as a youngster? Highly inappropriate for my contact list of book publishers. These are FAMILY companies with commitments to spirituality. See what I mean?”

“Wait-uh….this is a comedy memoir series. Autobiographical. While religious institutions may be a backdrop in some stories, this is in no way a book about spirituality. I’m really sorry if-”

She laughed. “But it COULD BE! Reading about you overcoming obstacles like your speech impediment is inspirational, and can be directly attributed to God! I would love to work with you, and an editor, of course, gratis, to really find God in your book.”

“I think that would be insincere, especially to long-time readers. I’m sorry. I’m just not qualified to write a religious book. ”

“Oh, we don’t just represent religious books! We’re totally mainstream!”

“Okay…”

“But the book does have to contain God in some way. Religion sells.”

“Does the use of the word ‘God-damned’ count?”

“Certainly not.”

“I know. I was kidding. That’s what I do, I kid, I kid…”

“I know, you’re a comedian. But in all seriousness, there is to be NO profanity at all in this manuscript if you would like me to represent you. That phrase you just said is considered pretty offensive to some people.”

“I write the way I speak, and I’m sort of an ass.”

“Maybe you should think about the way you speak.”

“I do think about the way I speak. I have a weird accent and I talk funny. So I think about funny things to say.”

“Well, that’s not funny.”

“Then no offense, if you don’t think I’m funny, when why are you trying to sell my book? If you don’t think I’m the right brand, I know plenty of talented writers that I can connect you with. It’s sort of what I do, actually. I run this non-profit where-”

“No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! I don’t mean you’re unfunny. I just mean foul language and inappropriate subject matter. Just send me your manuscript. Or just pick one story off your website. I’ll clean it up for you as a sample.”

“No worries. I’ll have a few ideas on ways to clean up my website of things like ‘God Damn’. Check back in a week or two.”

“OKAY!”

So, here you go, lady: