Mr. August

On the eighth day of Sexmas, I delivered to mommy….
Richard Gere VHS-ing.

Note: For those of you unfamiliar with the inside joke about the fakanál, click here.

Anyu likes Richard Gere enough that I think she would agree that he qualifies for Mr. August, in addition to Mr. February. This is a poorly-Photoshopped poster from the film "Nights of Rodanthe",which has a very special significance to my mother, mostly because she has not yet seen it. Here's why:

"Darn it, I can't find 'Nights of Rodanthe' on VHS for Anyu's birthday," I said, clicking through numerous online home video web pages.

Matt, my partner in crime in all things film-related, raised an eyebrow and pushed his seat back from his workstation. "Now, why would ANYONE still buy anything on VHS?" Matt does a lot of film direction and cinematography, so the idea of paying actual money for a film less than crystal-clear quality makes the man shutter.

"My cousin gave her a DVD player a while back, but she can’t find the cords that plug into the TV. Anytime I try to take a look at the unit, Anyu...
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Permanent Record

When I was a freshman in college, I received an angry phone call from my mother.

"Vhat's da hstory vit dis letter from dah school! You’re in big-big trouble!"

“What are you talking about? What letter?”

“Are you on drugs, Stephie? I saw dis special on 20/20 dat all dah college kids are doing dah Mary Hanna in dah voods!” she screamed. “You vouldn’t go into dah voods, vould you?” (Editor’s note: Say that 10-times fast!)

“Anyu, it’s probably a mistake, Read me the letter.”

“'Dear Mrs. Yuh'-Ha, ‘Mrs’. Dey tink I’m still married to your asshole fodder.”

“Anyu, stop changing the subject.”

“Ok. ‘Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is….’ I can’t belief you are doink dis to me, Stephie, vhat are the people at church gonna tink?”

“MOM. You’re overreacting. Just read it out loud to me so I can see what happened.”

“Okay. 'Dear…Dear Mrs. Ok. So. Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is on dah Dean’s List.’ You see! He put you on his list! How can you DO this to me, Stephanie?”

“Wait…the Dean’s List? That’s a good thing.”

“Don’t lie to me! Dis vill go on your permanent record!”

“Hey, did...
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