Posts Tagged Funny
Since Valentine's Day was last week, I want you to take a peak at the condition of the flowers that your significant-other sent you. We'll get back to why I asked you to do that in just a moment.
It was the week before Valentine's day in 1997, and I had no Valentine. Things were easy back in elementary school when everyone was required to give a Valentine's Day card to everyone in their class. In high school, there were new rules - namely that whoever did not get a carnation or gifts on Valentine's Day was seen as the unloved scum of the earth.
I would have been happy to get a carnation from anyone, but my real hope was that I'd get one from George, the adorable blond in my art class. His passion and talent for art only fueled my crush, but I never had a chance to say anything to him other than, "Have you seen the rubber cement?" Usually, I would blush and run away before George even replied.
I was internally lamenting about my singleness when Tiffany,...
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On the ninth day of
Sexmas, I delivered to mommy….
Tom Selleck calling.
I really do have a hard time telling the difference between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. I guess Tom is hairier... How could we gauge this? Quick - someone invent a Hairometer so you can guess your HMI (Hair Mass Index).
I love everything about this picture. The stupid white sun visor. The hideous diagonally stripped bikini. The humongous "cell phone". The full body hair that doubles as a Magic Eye Picture/Rorschach Test (does anyone else see The Devil in Tom Selleck's tummy hair in the left photo?)
Oh, baby. I think I'm gonna need a cold shower after this one.
Calendar Update: Looks like VistaPrint failed me. They never mailed the calendar to me because one of the other items I put in my order was back-ordered - it's their policy to hold onto the whole order until all items return to stock. It's going to be another week, maybe even two weeks, until I receive the order. This is very disappointing - I was hoping to film Anyu's reaction to it. I suppose my mother is going to have a Sex-less holiday....
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On the forth day of Sexmas, I delivered to mommy....
Gunslinging Alec Baldwin!
Because men without shirts are hot...but men without shirts with GUNS are even hotter! We even have bonus armpit hair for Anyu's enjoyment. ::shudders::
Honestly, I have no idea where these photos are from, but I like them because Alec sort of looks like David Duchovny in them. Why not just use a picture of David Duchovny? Oh, I've saved him for later, my pretties, mwahahaha.
Up until a few years ago, I didn't know the difference between any of the Baldwin Brother's until my favorite show, "30 Rock" came on the air. After seeing his antics with Liz Lemon, I actually think he's hotter now than back in the day of "Beetlejuice"". Maybe it's because a funny personality always improves appearance. Maybe it's because he stuffed all this chest hair into a suit. Or maybe it's because he kinda looks like Al Gore now, and I have a thing for Al Gore (but if I made an Al Gore calendar, it would probably be NSFM - Not Safe for Moms.)
Anyway, as a prolific actor and hairy bastard, Alec Baldwin gets the...
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Every time I visit my mother, I can't help but notice the aging picture on her bedroom door of some random shirtless guy with a mullet. For some weird reason, she tore the photo out from one of those "Sexy Guy" Calendars and scotched taped it to her door, right next to where she used to hang my school report cards. I vaguely remember Anyu getting this calendar as a gift from someone when I was in grade school, so it has to be
over 15 years old.
"Anyu, I think you need to update your calendar photo. Do you want me to take down Rico Suave over here?"
"NO, VAY! I like dat picture! You can't get good sexy guy pictures like dis anymore."
"What are you talking about? They have Sexy Guy Calendars EVERYWHERE around Christmas."
"No no. All dah guys dese are covered dah oils and don't gave a hair on their body. Dey look like GIRLS!"
"Oh, right, I forgot. You like the kind of guy that has chest hair you can braid."
"Dat vas the style in my time. You know vhat, for Christmas, you find me a sexy new man."
"Uh, are...
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Please read New York, New York Part I & Part II before reading this story.
The bus pulled into the church parking lot after midnight. My mother breathed a sigh of relief as I climbed down the narrow steps and into her spicy mustard-colored station wagon.
"How vas it?" she asked.
"I ate some amazing food, saw all the sites, and I bought you this!" I held up an overpriced "I Love New York" keychain.
"Oh, tank you, Stephie," she said, snapping the bawble onto her already large collection of keychains. "So, did anyvon try to bodder you?"
"Nope, I felt completely safe the entire time. It was awesome!"
"Vell, make sure you call Anita vhen you get home, she called like four times, I tink she had sometink to tell you, I dunno vhat."
I thought better of mentoning Anita's fear of Mole People to my mother.
I arrived back at the house and curled up on the bed with our old rotary phone that was the same exact color as my mother's station wagon. "Hey, Anita! Just calling to let you know that I am alive! What did I miss?"
"Oh. My. GOSH," she said....
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