Posts Tagged hilarious
The moment we arrived to the hotel room at Bible camp this year, my mother threw off her pants and started walking around in her tighty whities.
"Um, Anyu, what are you doing?" I asked, shielding my eyes.
She sighed. "Life is hard."
"Yes, I know. But why aren't you wearing any pants?"
She put her hands on her hips and spoke firmly, "I don't need to wear pants. I'm on vacation."
Although the sight was horrifying, I have to admit, like her motto...so I made them into T-shirts.
View all of my Designs on Zazzle
My mom has no idea how brilliant and hilarious she is. I think I will buy her one for her next "Burstday". (They make a great gift for Father's Day, too! Available in all colors & sizes!)
Last Saturday, I was waiting for midnight so I could be the first to call my mom and wish her a "Happy Birthday". I got up to use the bathroom for a minute, and by the time I came back, I had a new voice mail.
“Oh, my god, Stephie! Don't be dead! " I jerked the phone from my ear as I heard the screams of an irate Hungarian. "Your cousin said she hasn’t heard from you and she tried to call you two times. Oh, my god! Novon knows vere you are! Call me back if you're alive. Call me back!”
I called her immediately. “Vhat's da story, Stephie?! How can you do this to me?” she cried.
"What the heck are you talking about? I just talked to Irina a few days ago, and I just finished talking to her sister last night!"
"Bullsh*t. Irina said she tried to call you Thursday. I vanted to make plans for next veek, and den ve didn't hear from you, and she said she didn't know vere you vere and-"
"Anyu. I was hosting a film event all day Thursday. My phone...
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When I was a freshman in college, I received an angry phone call from my mother.
"Vhat's da hstory vit dis letter from dah school! You’re in big-big trouble!"
“What are you talking about? What letter?”
“Are you on drugs, Stephie? I saw dis special on 20/20 dat all dah college kids are doing dah Mary Hanna in dah voods!” she screamed. “You vouldn’t go into dah voods, vould you?”
(Editor’s note: Say that 10-times fast!)
“Anyu, it’s probably a mistake, Read me the letter.”
“'Dear Mrs. Yuh'-Ha, ‘Mrs’. Dey tink I’m still married to your asshole fodder.”
“Anyu, stop changing the subject.”
“Ok. ‘Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is….’ I can’t belief you are doink dis to me, Stephie, vhat are the people at church gonna tink?”
“MOM. You’re overreacting. Just read it out loud to me so I can see what happened.”
“Okay. 'Dear…Dear Mrs. Ok. So. Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is on dah Dean’s List.’ You see! He put you on his list! How can you DO this to me, Stephanie?”
“Wait…the Dean’s List? That’s a good thing.”
“Don’t lie to me! Dis vill go on your permanent record!”
“Hey, did...
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One morning in first grade, the principal made an important announcement. “There is a severe head lice epidemic,” he grumbled through the loudspeaker. “The nurse will call classrooms in one at a time tomorrow to check for head lice.”
Kelly, the pig-tailed girl that hated my guts from the moment she saw me in kindergarten, turned and gave me an evil smile, “Maybe when they’re checking for lice, the nurse will also see that Stephanie has the COOOTIES!” she snarled.
The entire class laughed. The teacher shushed everyone to listen to the rest of the morning announcements.
I looked over at my friend, Alia, who glanced at me sympathetically. Alia and I knew each other from our special ESL (English as a Second Language) classes. Kelly frequently picked on Alia as well for wearing a religious head covering to school, so we bonded through the shared torment.
“Alia,” I whispered. “Do you tink I have dah cooties?”
She shrugged, “I heard Jimmy B. got dah cooties so dey sent him away.”
“Do you know vhat cooties are?” I asked.
“I dunno,” she replied. “But dey sound yucky!”
Samantha, a girl that claimed to know everything about a whole lot...
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Growing up, bathing was always an issue. Nagymama felt that excessive baths led to:
-Red Hair
(which makes you look like a whore)
-All your hair falling out
(well, at least it won't be red anymore)
-Kidney infections
(resulting in death)
I was allowed to take a bath once a week, but showering was forbidden. Nagymama claimed that standing in shower would expose my organs and give me pneumonia. "Ve don't have insurance, so you'll die."
Once I became a teenager and aware of hygiene, this became a huge issue. I had to wait until Nagymama fell asleep and quietly wriggle out of bed, which was difficult since she tied the corner of the blanket to the mattress with shoelaces and surrounded the bed with high-backed chairs to prevent me from rolling out of bed
(see also: The Movie).
If Nagymama woke up and noticed I was missing, she would start screaming and banging on the bathroom door. I had about 2 minutes to finish the shower until she was able to pick the door lock, barge in, and physically pull me out of the shower, regardless of the fact that I was naked, soapy, and really pissed...
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