Vashington

I don’t lie to my mother – I omit the truth sometimes. This particular truth omission revolved around a little place called Seattle, where I was scheduled to attend a large gaming convention. Since my mother hates when I fly and does not understand what I do for a living, saying something like, “I’m going to PAX to do AVGN coverage and a Mr. Bucket stunt,” would blow her mind.

After playing a delicate dancing game around my week’s plans, I set off for my Seattle trip without a hitch. I thought it was a bit odd that all of my friends’ planes were delayed due to “Hurricane Irene,” but I figured it was just an overly marketed thunderstorm and decided to hang out at a local brewery while I waited for them to land.

I turned on my phone for the first time that day – 12 missed called, 5 new voicemails. All from my mom. Ruh roh.

“Mom, is everything okay?”

“Vhy is it so loud? Are you at a bar?”

“Uh…”

“Vhat are you, a vacko? Dere’s trees flyink everyvhere...
Read the rest of this entry »

Permanent Record

When I was a freshman in college, I received an angry phone call from my mother.

"Vhat's da hstory vit dis letter from dah school! You’re in big-big trouble!"

“What are you talking about? What letter?”

“Are you on drugs, Stephie? I saw dis special on 20/20 dat all dah college kids are doing dah Mary Hanna in dah voods!” she screamed. “You vouldn’t go into dah voods, vould you?” (Editor’s note: Say that 10-times fast!)

“Anyu, it’s probably a mistake, Read me the letter.”

“'Dear Mrs. Yuh'-Ha, ‘Mrs’. Dey tink I’m still married to your asshole fodder.”

“Anyu, stop changing the subject.”

“Ok. ‘Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is….’ I can’t belief you are doink dis to me, Stephie, vhat are the people at church gonna tink?”

“MOM. You’re overreacting. Just read it out loud to me so I can see what happened.”

“Okay. 'Dear…Dear Mrs. Ok. So. Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is on dah Dean’s List.’ You see! He put you on his list! How can you DO this to me, Stephanie?”

“Wait…the Dean’s List? That’s a good thing.”

“Don’t lie to me! Dis vill go on your permanent record!”

“Hey, did...
Read the rest of this entry »