The 12 Days of Sexmas

Every time I visit my mother, I can't help but notice the aging picture on her bedroom door of some random shirtless guy with a mullet. For some weird reason, she tore the photo out from one of those "Sexy Guy" Calendars and scotched taped it to her door, right next to where she used to hang my school report cards. I vaguely remember Anyu getting this calendar as a gift from someone when I was in grade school, so it has to be over 15 years old.

"Anyu, I think you need to update your calendar photo. Do you want me to take down Rico Suave over here?"

"NO, VAY! I like dat picture! You can't get good sexy guy pictures like dis anymore."

"What are you talking about? They have Sexy Guy Calendars EVERYWHERE around Christmas."

"No no. All dah guys dese  are covered dah oils and don't gave a hair on their body. Dey look like GIRLS!"

"Oh, right, I forgot. You like the kind of guy that has chest hair you can braid."

"Dat vas the style in my time. You know vhat, for Christmas, you find me a sexy new man."

"Uh, are...
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