Posts Tagged short
On the eighth day of
Sexmas, I delivered to mommy….
Richard Gere VHS-ing.
Note: For those of you unfamiliar with the inside joke about the fakanál, click here.
Anyu likes Richard Gere enough that I think she would agree that he qualifies for Mr. August, in addition to
Mr. February. This is a poorly-Photoshopped poster from the film
"Nights of Rodanthe",which has a very special significance to my mother, mostly because she has not yet seen it. Here's why:
"Darn it, I can't find 'Nights of Rodanthe' on VHS for Anyu's birthday," I said, clicking through numerous online home video web pages.
Matt, my partner in crime in all things film-related, raised an eyebrow and pushed his seat back from his workstation. "Now, why would ANYONE still buy anything on VHS?" Matt does a lot of film direction and cinematography, so the idea of paying actual money for a film less than crystal-clear quality makes the man shutter.
"My cousin gave her a DVD player a while back, but she can’t find the cords that plug into the TV. Anytime I try to take a look at the unit, Anyu...
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On the second day of Sexmas, I delivered to mommy....
Richard Gere with a Rose!
Part of the reason Anyu loves Roy Orbison's song "Pretty Woman" is because of the movie that just-so-happens to go by the same title. I know the film annoys her a bit because "Crocodile-Mouth" is in it (that's what she calls Julia Roberts), but she'll put up with the toothy grin for a glimpse of Mr. Gere.
Sadly, my mother ONLY sees movies that have Richard Gere in them. I have tried to break her of this ritual, but I am unable to break her Richard Ritual.
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Classic Example:
Me: Hey, everyone wants to go see that movie "Up", do you want to go see it?
Anyu: Is Richard Gere in it?
Me: No, it's animated.
Anyu: So he's playing a cartoon character? That's veird.
Me: No, it's a Pixar movie. They don't tend to throw random unnecessary famous voice actors all over films the way Dreamworks does.
Anyu: You know, Stephie, I vish Richard Gere could just show up to dah door and visk me avay from dis all right now.
Me: Anyu, if Richard Gere showed up right now, he couldn't make it to the...
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My mother gave me a call a few weeks ago, "I heard you vaz gonna be in town tomorrow. You vant to go to the Buffet?"
"Actually, I'm not passing through Piscataway, Anyu. I'm heading straight to New York City to see my friend's gallery show."
"Oh, noooo! New York is dangerous!"
"I've been to New York a zillion times. I'll be fine."
"Didn't Anita get mugged last time she was in New York?"
"First of all, that was TEN YEARS AGO. And you are incorrect. She was in Piscataway at the time. See? I'm safe in the City while all you scaredy cats in the suburbs get held up for your hoagies."
(read about the mugging here)
"Make sure you vear your glasses so you can see if somevon is mugging you."
"Anyu, I can see perfectly fine without glasses, I wear contacts."
"I hate dose tings! Your eyes need to breathe more. Promise to vear you glasses."
"Fine, I'll wear my glasses."
"Vell, just be careful. Are you brinking a man vit you for protection?"
I groaned.
The next day, my friends and I took the train in to New York and I could not stop thinking about delicious New York...
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"Anyu, Youth Group is having a trip tomorrow. I just need you to sign this permission slip and I will be out of your way ALL DAY tomorrow. Isn't that great?"
I carefully placed the paper down in front of her and crossed my fingers. She glanced down and her face twisted into a horrified expression. "NEW YORK CITY? NOOOO! Somevon will steal you!"
"I'm 16, Anyu. And I'll be with a zillion other people, including Pastor Jim, who's a 6'3" former biker gang member that allegedly has weapons training." My mother looked even more horrified. "Well, uh, before he converted and became a super nice non-violent Youth Pastor. So. I think we're okay."
"No freakin' way, Mr. Jose. New York is dangerous."
I threw my hands in the air, stomped out of the room, and started dialing. "This is SO unfair!" I whined as soon as my best friend, Anita, answered the phone. "Mom won't let me go to New York with Youth Group because she's afraid gypsies are going to kidnap me or something."
"Well..." she started, "New York is kind of dangerous. I was reading this book about Mole People that live...
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When I was a freshman in college, I received an angry phone call from my mother.
"Vhat's da hstory vit dis letter from dah school! You’re in big-big trouble!"
“What are you talking about? What letter?”
“Are you on drugs, Stephie? I saw dis special on 20/20 dat all dah college kids are doing dah Mary Hanna in dah voods!” she screamed. “You vouldn’t go into dah voods, vould you?”
(Editor’s note: Say that 10-times fast!)
“Anyu, it’s probably a mistake, Read me the letter.”
“'Dear Mrs. Yuh'-Ha, ‘Mrs’. Dey tink I’m still married to your asshole fodder.”
“Anyu, stop changing the subject.”
“Ok. ‘Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is….’ I can’t belief you are doink dis to me, Stephie, vhat are the people at church gonna tink?”
“MOM. You’re overreacting. Just read it out loud to me so I can see what happened.”
“Okay. 'Dear…Dear Mrs. Ok. So. Ve are calling it to your attention dat your dodder is on dah Dean’s List.’ You see! He put you on his list! How can you DO this to me, Stephanie?”
“Wait…the Dean’s List? That’s a good thing.”
“Don’t lie to me! Dis vill go on your permanent record!”
“Hey, did...
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