On the sixth day of Sexmas, I delivered to mommy….
ELVIS PRESLEY GYRATING!
If Roy Orbison wasn't playing on Ye Olde Cassette Player, it was a tape of Elvis Presley's rendition of "I'll Be Home For Christmas" or "Here Comes Santa Claus". Played in June.
I'm pretty sure Anyu thinks that Elvis' death was a big hoax. "Oh, Stephie," she would say while she flipped through a Weekly World News claiming to have spotted Elvis in some Florida condominium. "It vould be a better vorld if only dah real Elvis vas alive...and all dah Elvis impersonators vere dead."
Amen to that, Mama.
Earlier this week, I was invited to one of those obligatory holiday office party by a pharmaceutical consulting company that hires me for graphic design work. Since I know everyone at this company on a professional level, I was really surprised when one of these techies asked me about my "
Sexmas Calendar". Of course, those two little words caught the entire room's attention, so the casual holiday conversation went right into the gutter and evolved into a game of "Name the Hottest Hairy-Chested Guy". I was half-flattered, half-disturbed that fifteen pharmaceutical professionals were wracking their brains to find a way to turn on my mother, but I figured they could write it all off as "Clinical Research" for a more potent female Viagra drug or something.
By the end of the night, I received a list of about 50 people, but the name that really caught my attention was Marlon Brando. I totally forgot about Mr. Brando, probably because I've never seen any of his films (yes, that include "The Godfather" - try not to look so shocked). Fortunately, I've watched enough parodies to know that it would be funny to have a shirtless, hairy, tubby, Italian guy with cotton balls stuffed in his word hole as my Mr. March.
I googled Marlon Brando and was surprised and the amount handsome photos...
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On the second day of Sexmas, I delivered to mommy....
Richard Gere with a Rose!
Part of the reason Anyu loves Roy Orbison's song "Pretty Woman" is because of the movie that just-so-happens to go by the same title. I know the film annoys her a bit because "Crocodile-Mouth" is in it (that's what she calls Julia Roberts), but she'll put up with the toothy grin for a glimpse of Mr. Gere.
Sadly, my mother ONLY sees movies that have Richard Gere in them. I have tried to break her of this ritual, but I am unable to break her Richard Ritual.
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Classic Example:
Me: Hey, everyone wants to go see that movie "Up", do you want to go see it?
Anyu: Is Richard Gere in it?
Me: No, it's animated.
Anyu: So he's playing a cartoon character? That's veird.
Me: No, it's a Pixar movie. They don't tend to throw random unnecessary famous voice actors all over films the way Dreamworks does.
Anyu: You know, Stephie, I vish Richard Gere could just show up to dah door and visk me avay from dis all right now.
Me: Anyu, if Richard Gere showed up right now, he couldn't make it to the...
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"I can't belief you vould drag me up dis early for a stupid trip," my mother said as we walked towards the main entrance of the Middlesex Mall.
Even the security guard looked sleepy as he unlocked the doors and ushered us into the empty corridor. I however, was wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. I was going to go to New York! I imagined the smell of roasted peanuts and the sound of taxi cabs and newspaper boys. I smiled at the thought of walking through a city, arm-in-arm with my first love. For one day in my young adult life, I could stand tall without the sound of Anyu and Nagymama criticizing my outfit behind me.
We assumed that we could pick up some pepper spray at the K-Mart, but we were out of luck. The K-Mart directed us to the 99 Cent store. 99 Cent store directed us to the Hardware store. The Hardware store looked promising - I walked up to the counter and saw the empty peg for pepper spray.
"I'm afraid we're out of pepper spray, dear," the attendant said. "There's been...
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