Posts Tagged stories
On the second day of Sexmas, I delivered to mommy....
Richard Gere with a Rose!
Part of the reason Anyu loves Roy Orbison's song "Pretty Woman" is because of the movie that just-so-happens to go by the same title. I know the film annoys her a bit because "Crocodile-Mouth" is in it (that's what she calls Julia Roberts), but she'll put up with the toothy grin for a glimpse of Mr. Gere.
Sadly, my mother ONLY sees movies that have Richard Gere in them. I have tried to break her of this ritual, but I am unable to break her Richard Ritual.
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Classic Example:
Me: Hey, everyone wants to go see that movie "Up", do you want to go see it?
Anyu: Is Richard Gere in it?
Me: No, it's animated.
Anyu: So he's playing a cartoon character? That's veird.
Me: No, it's a Pixar movie. They don't tend to throw random unnecessary famous voice actors all over films the way Dreamworks does.
Anyu: You know, Stephie, I vish Richard Gere could just show up to dah door and visk me avay from dis all right now.
Me: Anyu, if Richard Gere showed up right now, he couldn't make it to the...
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My mother gave me a call a few weeks ago, "I heard you vaz gonna be in town tomorrow. You vant to go to the Buffet?"
"Actually, I'm not passing through Piscataway, Anyu. I'm heading straight to New York City to see my friend's gallery show."
"Oh, noooo! New York is dangerous!"
"I've been to New York a zillion times. I'll be fine."
"Didn't Anita get mugged last time she was in New York?"
"First of all, that was TEN YEARS AGO. And you are incorrect. She was in Piscataway at the time. See? I'm safe in the City while all you scaredy cats in the suburbs get held up for your hoagies."
(read about the mugging here)
"Make sure you vear your glasses so you can see if somevon is mugging you."
"Anyu, I can see perfectly fine without glasses, I wear contacts."
"I hate dose tings! Your eyes need to breathe more. Promise to vear you glasses."
"Fine, I'll wear my glasses."
"Vell, just be careful. Are you brinking a man vit you for protection?"
I groaned.
The next day, my friends and I took the train in to New York and I could not stop thinking about delicious New York...
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Please read New York, New York Part I & Part II before reading this story.
The bus pulled into the church parking lot after midnight. My mother breathed a sigh of relief as I climbed down the narrow steps and into her spicy mustard-colored station wagon.
"How vas it?" she asked.
"I ate some amazing food, saw all the sites, and I bought you this!" I held up an overpriced "I Love New York" keychain.
"Oh, tank you, Stephie," she said, snapping the bawble onto her already large collection of keychains. "So, did anyvon try to bodder you?"
"Nope, I felt completely safe the entire time. It was awesome!"
"Vell, make sure you call Anita vhen you get home, she called like four times, I tink she had sometink to tell you, I dunno vhat."
I thought better of mentoning Anita's fear of Mole People to my mother.
I arrived back at the house and curled up on the bed with our old rotary phone that was the same exact color as my mother's station wagon. "Hey, Anita! Just calling to let you know that I am alive! What did I miss?"
"Oh. My. GOSH," she said....
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"Anyu, Youth Group is having a trip tomorrow. I just need you to sign this permission slip and I will be out of your way ALL DAY tomorrow. Isn't that great?"
I carefully placed the paper down in front of her and crossed my fingers. She glanced down and her face twisted into a horrified expression. "NEW YORK CITY? NOOOO! Somevon will steal you!"
"I'm 16, Anyu. And I'll be with a zillion other people, including Pastor Jim, who's a 6'3" former biker gang member that allegedly has weapons training." My mother looked even more horrified. "Well, uh, before he converted and became a super nice non-violent Youth Pastor. So. I think we're okay."
"No freakin' way, Mr. Jose. New York is dangerous."
I threw my hands in the air, stomped out of the room, and started dialing. "This is SO unfair!" I whined as soon as my best friend, Anita, answered the phone. "Mom won't let me go to New York with Youth Group because she's afraid gypsies are going to kidnap me or something."
"Well..." she started, "New York is kind of dangerous. I was reading this book about Mole People that live...
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"I have an idea", my cousin announced over the phone."Oh, yeah?" I couldn't hide my concern. Usually when anyone tells me they have an "idea", it's usually time to reach for the aspirin.
"In all the years we've been alive, we've NEVER had a family BBQ at the house. Let's have one for this 4th of July. I would really like to make some good memories for the boys."
I wracked my brain for "good memories". To me, 4th of July was filled with the sound on my mom screaming in terror every time my neighbor set off fireworks. Every time she heard the slightest "Boom", she would run to make sure that the roof wasn't on fire from "dah ashes from dah firevorks".
Despite the fact that I had already made plans, I decided that I would find some way to cancel them so I could spend time with my family. I want my cousin's children to have happy, non-traumatic memories , so I if that means I have to make sure that my mother doesn't get naked in front of them
like our last vacation, so be it.
"Great idea. I'll...
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