Last Saturday, I was waiting for midnight so I could be the first to call my mom and wish her a "Happy Birthday". I got up to use the bathroom for a minute, and by the time I came back, I had a new voice mail.
“Oh, my god, Stephie! Don't be dead! " I jerked the phone from my ear as I heard the screams of an irate Hungarian. "Your cousin said she hasn’t heard from you and she tried to call you two times. Oh, my god! Novon knows vere you are! Call me back if you're alive. Call me back!”
I called her immediately. “Vhat's da story, Stephie?! How can you do this to me?” she cried.
"What the heck are you talking about? I just talked to Irina a few days ago, and I just finished talking to her sister last night!"
"Bullsh*t. Irina said she tried to call you Thursday. I vanted to make plans for next veek, and den ve didn't hear from you, and she said she didn't know vere you vere and-"
"Anyu. I was hosting a film event all day Thursday. My phone...
Read the rest of this entry »
One morning in first grade, the principal made an important announcement. “There is a severe head lice epidemic,” he grumbled through the loudspeaker. “The nurse will call classrooms in one at a time tomorrow to check for head lice.”
Kelly, the pig-tailed girl that hated my guts from the moment she saw me in kindergarten, turned and gave me an evil smile, “Maybe when they’re checking for lice, the nurse will also see that Stephanie has the COOOTIES!” she snarled.
The entire class laughed. The teacher shushed everyone to listen to the rest of the morning announcements.
I looked over at my friend, Alia, who glanced at me sympathetically. Alia and I knew each other from our special ESL (English as a Second Language) classes. Kelly frequently picked on Alia as well for wearing a religious head covering to school, so we bonded through the shared torment.
“Alia,” I whispered. “Do you tink I have dah cooties?”
She shrugged, “I heard Jimmy B. got dah cooties so dey sent him away.”
“Do you know vhat cooties are?” I asked.
“I dunno,” she replied. “But dey sound yucky!”
Samantha, a girl that claimed to know everything about a whole lot...
Read the rest of this entry »
Listen to this story read outloud on WXPN.
"I am a prisoner in my own home!" my mother said, as she took a bite out of the questionable-looking broiled salmon at the Home Town Buffet.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Vell….It all started with a cat," she said.
"Uh-huh," I mumbled into my cup of tea, knowing that some horrible story was coming.
"So, I started feeding dah cat. It like to eat the Fancy Feast, like the commercial."
"You don't even LIKE animals! I asked if I could have a dog for Christmas, and you told me that if I ever got a dog, it would EAT MY FACE, mom!”
"Oh, no but this is just a cute little cat! He had the DIAMOND eyes!"
"So then why didn't you catch him, take it to the vet, get it some shots, and…keep it?"
"Vhat are you. CRAZY? It's probably full of DISEASE!"
"So, wait…over the last few years, whenever I ask about the random freaking cat food on all our windowsills, you told me that grandma buys it to keep out the robbers. I thought it was some…superstitious….thing.”
“Yeah, she...
Read the rest of this entry »
